Broken walls
by carootsnaps
Summary: Eren is in love with Mikasa and he cant understand his feelings and how to control them, a lot of angst self doubt and suicide references and eren is forced to tell mikasa his true feelings


It was a great day to watch the sunrise, you know that rare day when you wake up fully refreshed? well that's how Eren Jaeger felt that morning. For the first time in probably 3 years Eren woke up without his muscles groaning and aching, he wasn't dead tired from the day before and actually felt rested. it was definitely not a common feeling that eren woke up with especially being up early which was also uncommon. in fact he was the only one awake he realized as he gazed around the guy sleeping quarters and the sun wasn't up yet.

Eren try as he might couldn't fall asleep again, something wouldn't let him so he removed the covers of his bed and got out of his bed. the poorly insulated building that the recon corps had chosen was beginning to show as his breath was visible, shivering in only a t shirt and boxers he made his way over to his messenger bag and took out his large grey hood less sweater and his canvas pants as well. on the corps days off they were allowed to be out of uniform and the only clothes that eren actually owned was this outfit. it was plain to say the least but it was warm so he didn't care. glancing around the room he quietly slipped his pants on looking at his bed where Armin had rolled onto. "some people never change" he thought as he threw on his sweater.

Ever since they were children Armin and him had always been together and when they had exasperated themselves out playing together they usually slept where the fell which was usually right next to each other. the two were almost 16 and nothing had changed and Armin was usually unconsciously rolled onto Eren's bed, its not like didn't mind though it reminded him of a time before the wall fell, back when his mother was alive. those memories made him happy so he didn't try to destroy what was left of his old life and let it happen.

The dark haired boy standing in the room looked over at the window and saw the sun making its way up the horizon. Now there's something i haven't done in a long time he thought as he turned for the exit. trying to walk as quiet as possible (which proved to be difficult because of the creaky wooden floor that the survey corps headquarters had) eren made his way from the upper levels of the sleeping quarters to the main levels kitchen.

The kitchen was immaculate as always (probably due to Levis cleaning) Eren observed and on one of the counter lay a huge sack of bread. The soldiers were all allowed to have bread and milk for their morning meal and were allowed 1 bun and a bowl of a thin broth soup that was made every morning their breakfast. However there wasn't a restriction to when they had to eat. Eren feeling incredibly hungry decided he would rather eat now than later and took a bun as he made his way out of the kitchen.

Still walking quietly so he didn't wake up anyone else the green eyed boy made his way to the front doors of the building which opened onto a clear view of the sun rising. the chill morning air the held a sweet reminder that summer was over met Eren as he stepped outside into the early morning dawn. leaning against the building he tore a chunk off the piece of bread he had taken and began eating as he watched the sun slowly rise.

When he had been younger, before Mikasa had come to live with them, Eren would help his mother make bread every morning and while they did so they would see the sun rising from their kitchen window, it was a bittersweet memory that Eren thought he had forgotten. but the warm rays of sunlight that started to emerge from the rising sun had jogged his memory considerably. As he finished his bread with a sigh he slumped his back against the wall again watching the new day unfold. "you're up early" someone said. Eren startled jumped and turned around only to see Mikasa. 'God don't scare me like that' Eren said a bit louder than he meant too. 'watching the sun rise?' the raven haired girl followed. 'yeah i couldn't fall back asleep' eren said as he stuck his arms out yawning and stretching at the same time. as he did so, his bangs fell into his eyes. 'your hair is getting pretty long' Mikasa said suddenly as she leaned in at once with only at least 2 inches between the two teens faces. as she fixed his hair.

Eren immediately started blushing wildly ' oh yeah i guess i should g - get it cut soon' he laughed leaning back against the wall with Mikasa still invading his privacy. " I like it long it looks good" she stated "well i guess i could grow it out" eren said mumbled quickly. The two were still standing there with Mikasas face hovering over Erens only inches separating the two. Mikasa obviously not aware of the intimate borders she had been breaking by being so close to his face, anybody who might of seen them would have thought them lovers in the stance the were in. Eren still Blushing madly had the courage to speak up again ' hey you know there's something ive been meaning to ask you' eren whispered not needing to raise his voice due to the fact that they were so close together and Mikasa was still hovering over him. ' r-r-remember back when Hannes was killed by that titan that ate mom?' 'yeah she said out breaking a sweat. ' you thanked me for giving you that scarf' the emerald eyed boy said again, pointing at the bright scarlet scarf Mikasa always wore.

"yes i did" Mikasa said blushing slightly. " were you going to k-"Eren was immediately cut off !as Levis voice was made present. " What are you brats doing? get into uniform you lazy bastards!" he yelled at them "right away sir" the two said in unison as they made their way back into the building.

SHIT! Eren thought. That was my chance he scolded himself, ever since that battle Erens mind had been broken, Not just from the pain of losing Hannes and almost lost losing all of his friends. But the gesture that Mikasa had made. Suddenly he couldnt look at her as his adopted sister anymore no he realized somewhere deep inside of him he always cared for her more than platonically and that battle had made those feelings surface and Eren couldn't combat them and make them go away eren had become infatuated with Mikasa And why shouldn't he. Mikasa was young Beautiful, Not to mention exotic being the last kind of her people, strong willed, caring, compassionate, intimidating Suddenly eren realized the connection the two shared and how much chemistry the two shared and trying to supress his feelings was driving him crazy being a young teen was hard enough, trying to be a soldier was even harder, waking up everyday knowing it could be your last was even harder, but now. Now Eren was caught between his feelings and Mikasa. it was so hard to express himself to her but he had to find away some how or else he would go inside.

As The green eyed boy made his way up the stair and into his dorm room he saw his other comrades waking up slowly. "Wow Eren youre up before us? thats a first" A blond boy said with a sigh " yeah i couldn't sleep" Eren lied as he made his way over to the change room Armin followed. thus following Erens least desired part of the day, Putting on uniforms. The shirt was never a problem it wasn't anything fancy like Armin wore, Just a simple green long sleve tshirt. the pants were ridiculously tight and constricting but he managed, but the part that was always a pain in the ass was the assembly of the 3d maneuvering gear belts which where as Jean liked to say "tighter than Satans asshole". The things took a good 20 mins just to put on and even after 3 ears of practice the process stil managed to take an incredible amount of time.

After the morning ritual was complete Eren waited as Armin finished his remaining belts and when that was done the two put their boots on and made their way out of the room and down the hall to the stair well. along the way Mikasa meet up with them. and they walked silently down to the mess hall to eat their breakfast together as they always did. " hey guys im not hungry ill just wait for you at our table ok?" Eren mumbled "wow skipping breakfast and waking up early? whats gotten into you Jaeger" Armin said with a laugh. an with That Eren plopped himself down at the table as he waited for his friends. Eren lied when he said he wasnt hunngy, infact he was starving the only reason he broke away was because he was starting to go crazy being so close to mikasa again just standing next to her made him nervous now "what the hell is wrong with me? i cant even stand beside her anymore with out being nervous? we used to share a god damn bed for gods sake!" as eren was interlizing his fear mikasa and armin sat down with their meals, mikasa holding two peices of bread instead of one

"You need t eat or youll get weak" Mikasa firmly stated. Eren being as scared as mikasas anger as much as he loved her without complaining complied and took the bun she was holding out for him. "thanks" Eren mumbled blushing as he started eating. The two started at their soup as eren was left looking at mikasa from across the table. up until that battle the only thing i could think about was killing titan." Eren relfected, But now all thats o my mind is her" mikasa looking down at her bowl couldnt see Erens un broken gaze. As she was eating a strand of her hair fell into her eyes and almost uncousily Eren leaned his hand across the table and tucked it behind her ear.

It took him a nano second to process what he had just done and His stomach turned to lead as his face started turning so red it looked like it was on fire. Thankfull armin was reading a book he had picke up and the only two people made aware of this gesture was Eren and Mikasa. Mikasa didnt look angry, more confused than anything "you didnt have to do that" she said blushing a little bit. Eren thanked god that no one else saw what he had done else he wuld have never lived it down. He then nervously started eating his bread and tapping the table to try and play off the move he had accidently made on mikasa. mikasa obvouisly taken back from what had happened went back to eating her breakfast.

As thhe were eating The corps leader Levi spoke up so all the soldiers could hear. Ok You brats listen up! today we are left stationary due to a certain turn of events, and today is techinally a day of rest for us. "yes!" eren thought "But" levi continued " if you think that means im not having you work than you are sadly mistaken, today all of you will be assigned diffirent areas of the headquarters to clean, this place is filthier than it was when we got hear and ill be damned if were going to continue living here if this keeps up" Te whole mess hall groaned " shut up! now jean and armin you will be cleaning the lcokers. levi continued rattling off pairs of soldiers and areas to clean until he go to eren. "And jaeger! Youre with Ackerman you will be sorting the food in the kitchens pantry. "that means ill be alone with mikasa" eren thought silently.

when all was said and done the two teens started on their assignments . Eren got to stocking food and mikasa took inventory of the pantrys confined room " i need to say something!" Eren thought looking at mikasa as she continued scratching down the lists of items that needed to be restocked on her clipboard. suddenly eren got an idea made his way over to were mikasa was and casually leaned against the door of the pantry "Mikasa About this morning "Eren gullped as he leaned against the thedoor of the food storage area . "mikasa stopped writing " "what about it?" eren try to calm his voice as he spoke up again " i needed to to tell yo - " he cut off as he slipped against the door and it shut with a loud bang, "SHIT" Eren yelled as the door locked " oh fuck me! really!?" eren said frantically as he started trying to open the door with brute strength. " it wont work that door is locked from the out side " mikasa said sighing

"how are we going to get out!" eren said scared "we will ahve to wait till someone opens it, thats all we can do" mikasa said cooly. Eren had never felt more panicked in his entire life, it was a secret that no one knew but eren jaeger was terrified of confined spaces, claustrophobia armin had called it once in a book he read. " The fear of being in tight confined spaces" Eren now in full panic mode was breathing heavliy against the door of the pantry as " are you ok?" mikasa said making her self present again " SHIT I FORGOT" now not only was eren panicking from his fear of tigh spaces but now MIkasa who made him anxouis just stanidng beside him now was locked in a room with him. Eren started to see white and his visioned blurred as he started hyperventilating against the wall he was leaning against and as his breathing heightened he felt him self fallign and thought he heard mikasa yelling his name.

The First thing Erens senses detected wasnt his sight but rather touch. He could feel himself laying down and someones hands running their fingers through his hair. and when he was done understanding that sensation his Bright green eyes fluttered open slowly and eren relized he was still in the pantry room. and he was looking up at Mikasa face, In that moment Eren fell for mikasa even harder than before, Her stunning dark almond shaped eyes were staring into his own as she continued to run her fingers throug his dark brown hair with his head in her lap.

"What happend" The boy said in a groggy mumble 'You passed out' mikasa said gently without missing beat. Eren waited a couple more seconds and kept his gaze with mikasa, he felt incredibl comfortable being alone with mikasa for the first time in a long time, and the motion of mikasa running her fingers through erens thick brown hair was the most soothing thing he had experienced in what was most likely ever since the colossus titan appeared. " How long have i been out?" Eren asked innocently "im not sure maybe 20 minutes? an half an hour? one hour? i cant tell but no ones come yet." Mikasa said in almost a whisper. Eren uncounsouisly lifted himself a little. extreamly sadenned at the loss of mikasas touch and re adjusted him self so he was leaning against her inbetween her legs.

Eren had yet again un intentionally put himself in a postion the looked like he was trying to make a move on mikasa. Which in reality WAS something he wanted to do. however he didnt mean to be THIS forward with mikasa. Erens ability to act with out thinking combined with the grogginess that he had been left with from passing out combined together to make a stupid desicon that would ultimatly make things weirder than they already where between The two young teens.

Leaning his head against Mikasas cheasthe felt comfortable again in his high awake state. 1 few nano seconds later he calmly though"oh christ what am i doing!, im leaning on Mikasas cheast!, And inbetween her legs!, oh god no shes goign to kill me! Eren thought frantically and yet at the same time calmly somehow. The green eyed boy must of really hit his head hard because it was really messing with his though process.

Cringing slightly at his revelation Eren was waiting for Mikasa to hit him, slap him , throw him away or something, "i mean that what girls do when guys mae creepy moves on them right?" The choclate colored haired boy thought to himself. But instead of a slap across the face eren was greated with Mikasa wrapping her arms around Eren. Which proably would of caused Eren to freak out had he not given himself a concusion. Mikasa's unexpected gesture was frightingly terryfing and yet at the same time the most calming feeling on the planet. She followed up by leaning her head against the back Erens neck and whispered queitly " i never knew you were claustraphobic " i was hoping no one ever would" the dazed boy replied as mikasa started running her fingers through his hair again.

The two sat together leaned against the pantry door with Mikasa holding eren in her arms in a rather Intimate embrace for several minutes neither of them talking but rather simply enjoying the fact that both of them existed so that this moment could happen. Their whole lives had been filled with so much heart break, losing Erens mother to that titan, Mikasas family being murdered, armin losing his grandfather, his parents, all the people who died in the battle of trost, Thomas, Mina, Marco. Eren missed everyone of them so much he couldnt stand it his heart had been broken so many times by people entering his life and being taken away just as quickly gone forever, and with each person that left they took a peice of his heart with him. he always tried so hard to act tough, and from the outside it might of appeared like that. but on the inside Eren had almost reached his breaking point.

With his mother dead, and his father most likely as well. The only people he could rely on where his comrades, his friends. But the only people he counted as true family was Mikasa and Armin. They were his support, his reason to get up up every morning after reliving the nightmares of what he had seen the day before the people he had seen murdered by the titans a million times, wipe the tears from his eyes and keep on going to live for them so that they didn't die in vain and their deaths were worth something. A lot of the time if he didn't wake up with armin rolled on to his bed as usual he would start panicing and hyperventilating haunted and mortified by the faces of the people he had seen die. That's how important the two were to him, Eren would gladly sacrifice himself for them and withut hesitation. He could barely get through a day with them, If they died he promised himself he would throw himself off the wall. there was no point of living if he couldnt live with Armin and Mikasa.

Tears started welling up and stinging his eyes, as the lamp in the pantry stated to get dimmier as it was slowly losing the last of its reserves of its fuel. the two had been in there for at least 4 hours now each lamp in the Corps headquarters had enough fuel to burn for at least 4 hours after being lit this being the only one inside the pantries windowless room was the only way they could tell the time by, it had to be around 5 pm now. almost dusk. Once that Lamp went out the room would be plunged into darkness and Eren's second secret fear would be revealed to Mikasa. His fear of the Dark

With out meaning to The vunerable boy started to unintentionally shake a little from this relization and the tears that started unwillinglingly rolling down his face, left with his thoughts and his phobias he was nearing his breaking point and soon he would burst and the walls he had tried for so long to build around him would break as well and would leave him defenseless and vunreable infront of Mikasa, Just like a child.

Eren broke away from Mikasa's soothing embrace in an rude and abrupt manner. He couldnt let Mikasa see him cry, not over something like his feelings, he needed to be manly, and a man dosent cry, esspecially not a soldier. He stumbled to wards the oppisote wall of the pantry that didnt have any racks on it the onl exposed wall in the room and leaned against it one hand on the wall to support him self and the other at his eyes to wipe away his tears leaving Mikasa on the other side of the now dimly lit pantry. To Erens credit he was able to control his crying pretty well for someone in his state. His mind was turning to lead and it was only getting heavier itnever shut up it was all too much. His feelings for Mikasa, his need to protect Armin and Mikasa, his shame, his embaressment his regret, all the people he could of saved . the threat of being excuted by the military for being a titan shifter, being used by everyone he knew. It was all becoming too much. And he did not know how to deal with it

"Eren?" a voice broke his train of thought and a hand gently touched his shoulder and his shaking was reduced a little, but only slightly. Eren forced himself to turn around and face Mikasa, there was nothing left that he could hide from the raven haired girl everything was out in the open. His walls were beginning to crumble and she was the only spectator. eren leaning against the cold stone wall to support his weak knees from giving out on him forced himself yet again to look at Mikasa's dark brown eyes. The boy with the emerald eyes was now the boy with the red eyes, he couldnt do it anymore his walls had almost all fallen now and with them his pride he started to care a little less if Mikasa saw him crying like a child.

"Thats all you are any ways you idoit, a 15 year old boy crazed with revenge that thought he could be a man! how fucking stupid are you? look at yourself! You're crying! what kind of man cries? you're just a weak stupid piece of shit boy who fooled himself into thinking he was something." a voice taunted him. The lamp was at a critically low fuel reserve level now. it was dimming rapidly and wouldn't be long until it went out all together. his claustrophobia was already destroying his sanity and with looming threat of encased in complete darkness growing closer he knew it wasn't going to be long until he had a complete break down.

"Eren!" someone said again. thats right he remembered, Mikasa was in their with him. his mind was deteriorating at a quick pace and he sanity was fading, he had completely forgotten her presence. "Eren im worried, not for me, for you whats wrong! weve barely had a coherent conversation since that battle!" The boy knew which one she ment, she meant the one where hannes died, and the one where the titan that ate his mom was killed at, the one where mikasa had almost kissed him. " ive been trying to act like nothings changed!" she ppiercedthrough his flashback again " Like we havent changed! like us almost dying countless times since not hurting or affecting me! like i havent noticed that you have been distancing yourself from me More and more every day!" she started yelling a little louder. "i dont want to be be farther from you mikasa" eren thought but to afraid to say

"dont you understand how important you are to me?!" she cried out walking slowly closer to eren as he leaned against the wall of the pantry again. " why do you have to be so thick?!" she cried abit louder. Eren began to relisze that mikasa was frightened, and he had never seen mikasa frightend, they were both breaking. "You think i don't know that you cry?" Mikasa spoke again " youre a human Eren and humans cry! why do you always try to push yourself away from me! all i ever try is to help you but you wont let me!" It was evedent that mikasas walls were also falling. something Eren had never considered was even possible. Eren always knew Mikasa Had walls to protect herself from being hurt again, walls that were built not with stone but with Steel and where thousands of meters thick. Walls that could never be destroyed or broken, And yet here they were crumbling against all odds.

" i dont know why im distancing myself" the boy said finally breaking his silence mikasa was now standing inches from eren and he hadnt even noticed her there until she spoke. "Then why!" mikasa said while holding Erens head with both her hands as she burned holes into his head with her stare with both a mix of anger and sadness as tears began to well from mikasas eyes. " do you not care about anyone any more" she said as more tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her now bright red cheeks " do " she choked on the word like it was cyanide and she lowered her head as she tried to gather her pride. the girl than used what was left of her will power to raise her head and look eren in the eyes, as the last of her walls had been destroyed and left her vulnerable "do you hate me now too?" she was able to say as her tears were not able to be held back anymore and started to shake as her grip on Een head tightend with more rage and sadness then he knew possible from any human being.

"mikasa" the boy spoke again as his tears couldnt be held anylonger either. "if you died" he choked out. as mikasa leaned herself against him even more leaving inches between both of their faces their bodies pressed together compleatly now. eren spoke again after he was able to stop his crying for a brief moment. " i would Throw my self off that wall" he pointed to the pantry door to where the walls would of been had their been a window " and kill my self" the boy muttered " i Cant live without you Mikasa" Eren said hyperventilating again with his mind racing, the lamp was now empty and the wick began to quickly lose its light.

"THAN WHY DO YOU KEEP DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM ME?" Mikasa yelled through her sobbing Her hands pulling Eren head to hers their foreheads touching now. As she screamed at him. Their walls were gone now. There was nothing to hide behind anymore. Everything was out in the open. years of building and hiding all pointless. They were completly vunreable. They were two young children sad, angry and, confused, and all the cards were exposed this was their breaking point this was their breaking point. a few more seconds the lamp would go out and the Holocaust would be complete.

Eren was sobbing now "DO YOU THINK I WANT TO DISTANCE MY SELF FROM YOU?!" he cried hysterical from his crying now, he was broken now his crying was uncontrolable, he didnt even think it was possible to cry this much "I DONT WANT TO HURT YOU!" he screamed "IF I DIE WHAT WILL YOU DO? I DONT WANT TO BURDEN YOU WITH MY STUPID FUCKING DEATH!". Their forheads still pressed together with Mikasas hands still holding Eren's head tighter then ever as she ground her teeth " YOU DONT WANT WANT TO BURDEN ME! IF YOU DONT WANT TO _**BURDEN ME **_THAN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SPARE MY FEELINGS!"

Another 5 seconds and the lamp would finally die out. The two teens sobbing and shaking hysterically but still held together in their stance unable to move where locked together in a stalemate of pure raw emotion Mikasa was completly broken now too. they were both having a complete break down. 4 seconds until the lamp went out. 4 seconds that for Eren and Mikasa lasted for 40 years, both of them reduced and transformed into something neither thought possible. Both so sad and yet so angry. This was a feeling Eren had never experienced in his entire life. 3 seconds until the lamp went out now.

And with that Eren grabbed mikasa hands that were welded to his head and with a strength he never even thought possible forced from his head and held them down so that Eren could hold Mikasas face instead but at a distance so that they could actually see each others faces in the rapidly darkening room. 2 seconds until the lamp went out now.

Mikasa could actually see erens face now and see how red his eyes were now how much he had been crying how ow sad and scared he looked. mikasa was so confused eren saw. everything was happening so fast and yet so slow. Eren held mikasa's head in his hands both of their sanity gone and nothing left to hide, there was no possible way things could have gotten worse Eren thought. And the boy was right.

**"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MIKASA!" **

Eren screamed through the hysterical sobbing of them both. 1 second until the lampt lost its fuel. mikasas eyes widened. "you love me?" she whispered

"more than anything" Eren was abe to choke out. and with that the lamp went out and the room was plunged in complete darkness.

The amazing thing is when the room was encased in the absolute darkness neither Eren nor Mikasa registered the darkness. When the lamps light was gone Mikasa grabbed Erens head and Her lips crashed against his. Eren always imagined his first kiss would be a happy one and it was. Yet he felt even more tears rolling down his face and could feel mikasas too even though he couldnt see them. And the two began to hold each other in an embrace instead of holding each other against the wall like a pair of combantants. mikasa broke herself away from their kiss and eren felt what he could only describe as traumatised at the loss of her lips and mikasa cried through a sob " I love you too you to you bastard!"

held in each others embrace the darkness melted away and Eren didnt even register it his crying didt stop but his fear of the pantry's tightspace that he had been afraid of died away. the illusion of fear melted as well. and his heart was pounding. he couldnt believe someone could make him feel this way. he relized that he didnt only want mikasa he NEEDED her. Eren needed mikasa more than anything in existence, he needed her more than air, or water. and the two young lovers held each other and continued to kiss passionately in the darkness of the pantry. nothing could have broke them apart. even if the whole squad had been behid that door and someone opened it they wouldnt register their presence and continued kissing. the two soldiers were undeniably in love and nothing could destroy that.


End file.
